So, Oliver had heard of this movie well before I had. I think that was a God-thing really. Oliver told me later that, when he saw the trailer, he immediately knew I shouldn’t/wouldn’t be able to go see it. I (thankfully) didn’t see the trailer until after we knew squishy was on the way. So, when it actually hit theaters, we were eager to go. What I didn’t realize was how raw our pain continues to be. Within the first 5 minutes of the film I had tears streaming down my face and Oliver said he was feeling quite emotional too. The movie begins with a couple, sitting in a fertility doctor’s office, being told they “gave it a good fight, but it’s time to stop trying”. Oh, how that familiar ache came flooding back into my heart. Later in the movie, people innocently dig spears into that wound with lines like “I thought you’d have a real kid first — you know, your own” and similar painful statements. By the end of the movie I was full of warm-fuzzies from the story line, but emotionally drained from the reminders.

It’s amazing how quickly you think the wound is healed when really, it can still be quite raw underneath. Things often bring back that flood of pain for us, and often catched me off guard. Oliver is really amazing at always assuming the best of people. This is an area he has really helped me grow in – but an area I need to continue to work on. It’s so easy to feel hurt by people’s innocent actions. We are finally able to welcome our own blessing,  but people inadvertantly jab us in our still open wound. Statements like “it’s about time..” and “this is your mom’s second grandbaby right? You didn’t have the first?” knock the wind out of you. I foolishly thought it would ALL be better once our baby was on the way. But what I realize more each day is that I carry battle wounds that are still raw. Still real. Some people thought that, after over 2 years of battling infertility I should have become “numb” to the world of “baby” all around me, and that I should just get over the pain. Now it’s as if I am expected to be numb to what we just went through, now that it is over. But I don’t think those are things that I should become numb too – God allowed us to go through that trial to grow us and change us. If I become numb to these pains, I become numb to the lessons He taught us. And if I become numb, I won’t be able to cry with my fellow couples who are going through their own similar journeys. So being raw hurts – a lot. But there is a reason for it.

Please … go watch the movie. And while you watch it, please be aware of the innocent things people say that hurt the couple so much. And vow NEVER to say these things to ANY couple. You never know their circumstances.

Please …. raise you own awareness and the awareness of others. Those of us who experience(d) this valley will be eternally grateful.

<3 Tara (and Oliver!)

Dear Baby Boy,

Last night daddy had a first… after multiple times of trying to feel you kicking me, you finally gave dad a “thump” in the hand. I wish I’d had the camera going – it was a miracle moment. His eyes were as big as silver dollars, he gasped in air and was actually speechless for a moment. When he finally did speak all he said was ..

“Ohhhh….. It’s getting so real…”

You are so very real baby boy *smile* We love you already!

<3 Mommy and Daddy

Yesterday was a particularly LONG, but VERY fun, day. My cousins was in town, so Kelly and I played “tour guides” around San Francisco all day. We did the Golden Gate Bridge, Presidio, Pier 39, Boudin, Ghirardelli, Chinatown, Little Italy, Lombard Street, The Painted Ladies (i.e. the “Full House” house) … *phew!* The biggest hike was UP Lombard Street from the Warf. The best way to explain it would be to say “it’s like Vegas – you think the next casino is right there – but it’s WAY down there!” Except for Lombard street, it is STRAIGHT uphill. It was a fight to keep oxygen going to baby boy! *smile* While walking, we passed a street vendor with hand knit baby hats. Auntie Kelly found this owl one among them and bought baby boy his first San Francisco souvenir! Baby boy is going to be SOOOOOO cute in this! After our adventurous day, I crashed HARD last night when I crawled into bed.

When the alarm went off this morning, I was slow moving to actually get out of bed. As I laid there, reading through my social media on my phone, I felt the strangest sensation. Was that…. a kick? I lay there longer, willing myself NOT to hold my breath (the poor boy does need oxygen!). Sure enough… on the left side of my abdomen it continued, irradically, about 10-15 times. Thump thump thump!

Well hello and good morning little boy *smile* And happy 19 week birthday!

<3 Your mommy.