Songs mean a lot to me. I have songs that remind me of certain “eras” of my life, ones with lyrics that I attribute to people in my life and some that helped me through difficult times. I have songs I turn up loud and sing at the top of my longs while driving down the road or cleaning my house. I have songs that make me cry, and the tears flow within the first few seconds.

One song that I made my anthem during the darkest time of infertility was “Blessings” by Laura Story.

Verse 1:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

I constantly needed reminded that my prayers were coming from my narrow vision of life. That God had bigger things promised for Oliver and me. I needed to remember that He wasn’t ignoring us, He wasn’t gone. He heard our prayers, every cry for a baby. Every time our hearts broke, He heard it and was standing right there beside us.

Chorus:

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

There were so many tears shed while we waited for this baby boy. There were moments when I cried inside, because there were too many people around to show my weakness. Sometimes it was silent tears, while I continued a phone conversation or went about my day alone at home. Other times there were cries from the pit of my stomach, cries I didn’t know existed inside of me. It could last minutes, hours or days. Late into the night sometimes, while Oliver and I  laid in bed and held on to each other for dear life. It was hard during those times to really understand how these could be “mercies”.

Verse 2:

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

We prayed a lot during that time. Sometimes we wanted to to hear what we wanted God to say. Other times we were truly honest about wanting His will in our lives. But as month after month passed with no baby, it was hard to hold on to the promise that He had a plan, that He was in control and the He always has only good for us. Now, we see how much He wanted us to have the faith to believe in His plan for our lives. That it truly was the best plan for us and those blessings would be worth it.

Verse 3:

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

We had people who stood by us during this trial, we had people who didn’t. We had friends say the perfect things, then others who hurt deeply with the words they said. There were days where darkness won and I couldn’t go to church, out with friends, or even to work. But it really taught my heart to have a “heaven” mindset instead of focusing too much on this world. If the words “this is my temporary home” meant something before this trial, it was nothing compared to what it means now.

Verse 4:

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Oliver and I both became so much MORE hungry for God’s strength and His promises during this time. We faced individual hurdles we had to overcome and hold each other accountable to, as well as joint hurdles. But it is true, that we began to thirst for Christ’s strength in our lives, rather than our own. We were able to look at our own weaknesses with that much more awareness and also see the gifts He had given us to help carry one another. We made it through the hardest nights, the loudest storms and the deepest aches. But please, never be mistaken to think we did it on our own. We couldn’t have done it without our God and knowing who He is. We know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that He is loving, merciful and just. But the most important lesson we had to depend on, was that He is truth. And when He promised us a child, we had to learn to stand on that truth and wait for His perfect timing.

This song became my prayer to God, my cry to my heavenly Father. So much so, that I bought a necklace to remind me every day of who I need to depend on when the storms rolled in. Most people would have seen it and not thought twice, which was my exact point. I wasn’t wearing it to broadcast my trial on my sleeve, but to strengthen my will to follow Christ every time I caught a glimpse of it or felt it again my skin. It was a tiny silver umbrella, with a “diamond”. The umbrella was to remind me of how Christ was my shelter in this storm. The top of the umbrella was shaped like angel wings, which reminded me that He caught every tear that fell and kept me protected with His angels. The “diamond” was my reminder of the lump of coal that had to endure untold pressure and squeezing to be made into a priceless gem…

<3 Tara

As many of you have read already, my back problems have been amplified by the squish. Physical therapy 3x a week is helping, but sleeping is still quite painful (whoever thought they would describe sleep that way, and so early in a pregnancy!). They have a pillow they put me on at PT that does wonders for the pain but at $400, its not going to be seen in my house anytime soon. So last night, while shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond, I decided to try and recreate the support through various other pillows.

Its quite the concoction we have going on! Four pillows under my head, a wedge pillow from under my arm to my hip for tummy/back support and a special pillow for between my knees. But I woke up with minimal back pain this morning, which is a nice change! I think it will take a few nights to get it right (my hand must have fallen asleep 4-5 times during the night!) but it is a step in the right direction! Soon I’ll be “down and out for the count” sleeping through the night pain free again! Baby seems somewhat confused by the change in my sleeping orientation. He is ALWAYS curled on in the bottom of the abdomen, kicking down low. I was startled when I woke up this morning to him kicking my diaphragm! Someone must have gotten turned around last night. *smile* We’re headed in the right direction! (Even if baby is feeling directionally challenged!) – Tara

Baby Boy kicks all day, usually quieting in the afternoon to take his “nap”. He kicks anything goes across my tummy, so it’s a good way to induce a kick if Oliver wants to feel him. Just yesterday morning I woke up to Oliver’s hand creeping under the blankets and over to my tummy. A short bit later baby kicked and Oliver sighed happily, “Ok, now I can begin my day!”. [I love that man!] It’s reassuring to feel baby and be able to predict him throughout my day. I know now when “quiet” is normal, and when “loud” is normal too. I know when he’s just playing (shortly after I eat) or frustrated (the seat belt is on). This predictability was extremely reassuring last night when we were sent to the ER.

I had my monthly check-up yesterday morning, but due to a problem with the front desk staff, it was rescheduled and messed up my schedule for the day (Tuesdays – Thursdays are a “tight ship” around here with those being days I am also seeing clients). Oliver wasn’t able to stay either, which was REALLY frustrating for me. The office was ALSO under construction. Long of the short – it was chaos. By the time I was into my appointment, I was completely disheveled  and had completely forgotten about my list of questions/concerns. I did get an apology from the clinic director about the front desks oops, which was nice. But it wasn’t till much later in the day when I realized I hadn’t had a chance to ask my doctors about some weird symptoms. And as the day went on, those symptoms got more intense. I’d been having some cramping/pain in my low abdomen and some electric “shocks”. The abdomen pain was getting more intense and the “zings” were happening one after another. A call to the nurseline came with the advice that we should go to the ER. Up to that point I had wanted to wait till this morning and then e-mail my doctor, but once that advice came I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I had (there may have been a good cry in there somewhere too…).

It’s amazing how quickly you move through the ER when the words “22 weeks pregnant’ come out of your mouth. We were sent immediately upstairs to labor and delivery because they wanted to check on Squishy first. That was both nerve wrecking AND reassuring. They quickly put us on a fetal heart monitor and uterine monitor. They found baby’s heart beat going strong which was reassuring. And then, as if to say “I’m ok mom!”, he began kicking the heart monitor (it was on a strap across my tummy – which he HATES!). Oliver could hear the kicks (a first) through the heart monitor, which they had broadcasting through speakers into the room. He just would NOT stop kicking it until they took it off. Once in a while he would get distracted by the umbilical cord, grab it, drop his heartrate, then let it go and begin kicking again. We were soon giggling despite the circumstances … I think he’s going to bring us many laughs in the years to come *smile*

When all was said and done, they are running some tests to see if I have an infection. The monitors picked up “irritability” in my uterus – which indicates something is up, but it wasn’t anything too serious. We were cleared to go home and rest, with the strict instructions for me to rest all day today until they get the results back and until the pain subsides.

We are so happy for “nothing” – God is good!