Songs mean a lot to me. I have songs that remind me of certain “eras” of my life, ones with lyrics that I attribute to people in my life and some that helped me through difficult times. I have songs I turn up loud and sing at the top of my longs while driving down the road or cleaning my house. I have songs that make me cry, and the tears flow within the first few seconds.
One song that I made my anthem during the darkest time of infertility was “Blessings” by Laura Story.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
I constantly needed reminded that my prayers were coming from my narrow vision of life. That God had bigger things promised for Oliver and me. I needed to remember that He wasn’t ignoring us, He wasn’t gone. He heard our prayers, every cry for a baby. Every time our hearts broke, He heard it and was standing right there beside us.
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
There were so many tears shed while we waited for this baby boy. There were moments when I cried inside, because there were too many people around to show my weakness. Sometimes it was silent tears, while I continued a phone conversation or went about my day alone at home. Other times there were cries from the pit of my stomach, cries I didn’t know existed inside of me. It could last minutes, hours or days. Late into the night sometimes, while Oliver and I laid in bed and held on to each other for dear life. It was hard during those times to really understand how these could be “mercies”.
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
We prayed a lot during that time. Sometimes we wanted to to hear what we wanted God to say. Other times we were truly honest about wanting His will in our lives. But as month after month passed with no baby, it was hard to hold on to the promise that He had a plan, that He was in control and the He always has only good for us. Now, we see how much He wanted us to have the faith to believe in His plan for our lives. That it truly was the best plan for us and those blessings would be worth it.
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
We had people who stood by us during this trial, we had people who didn’t. We had friends say the perfect things, then others who hurt deeply with the words they said. There were days where darkness won and I couldn’t go to church, out with friends, or even to work. But it really taught my heart to have a “heaven” mindset instead of focusing too much on this world. If the words “this is my temporary home” meant something before this trial, it was nothing compared to what it means now.
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
Oliver and I both became so much MORE hungry for God’s strength and His promises during this time. We faced individual hurdles we had to overcome and hold each other accountable to, as well as joint hurdles. But it is true, that we began to thirst for Christ’s strength in our lives, rather than our own. We were able to look at our own weaknesses with that much more awareness and also see the gifts He had given us to help carry one another. We made it through the hardest nights, the loudest storms and the deepest aches. But please, never be mistaken to think we did it on our own. We couldn’t have done it without our God and knowing who He is. We know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that He is loving, merciful and just. But the most important lesson we had to depend on, was that He is truth. And when He promised us a child, we had to learn to stand on that truth and wait for His perfect timing.
This song became my prayer to God, my cry to my heavenly Father. So much so, that I bought a necklace to remind me every day of who I need to depend on when the storms rolled in. Most people would have seen it and not thought twice, which was my exact point. I wasn’t wearing it to broadcast my trial on my sleeve, but to strengthen my will to follow Christ every time I caught a glimpse of it or felt it again my skin. It was a tiny silver umbrella, with a “diamond”. The umbrella was to remind me of how Christ was my shelter in this storm. The top of the umbrella was shaped like angel wings, which reminded me that He caught every tear that fell and kept me protected with His angels. The “diamond” was my reminder of the lump of coal that had to endure untold pressure and squeezing to be made into a priceless gem…