That’s right… we’re less than 3 days away from meeting him. I’ve loved every single day of this pregnancy. You can even ask Oliver – I have found joy in every single minute! You won’t find me complaining about swollen ankles, lack of sleep or anything else. I just couldn’t – we waited so very long for this time that we haven’t been able to contain our joy! It’s overflowed every morning when we wake to my growing belly and our giggles every night as we drift off to sleep talking about this baby.
What I’ve found is, I have been so excited about this pregnancy and the adventure of it, that it has been hard for me to change my mindset and think about NOT being pregnant. I won’t lie .. there is a sense of loss there. Not just loss of this time, but loss of control. It has been hard for me to realize how apprehensive I am about not being able to protect my baby 100% of the time. Right now he is ALWAYS with me, I know how he is, I know when he moves the most or where he is lying currently. Everything happening with the delivery and hospital is making it even harder to have this control taken from me. But the past few days I have really begun to think about Sunday night. The last night I will go to sleep with baby boy inside of me. The last night I will get kicked if I accidentally roll onto my back. The lasts of a lot of things. But it also is giving me time to think of the firsts that will come Monday. The first time I’ll hear his cry when he comes into this world. The first time I’ll count his fingers and toes. The first time he’ll hear my heartbeat from the outside. The first time he’ll hear my voice on the outside, as I introduce myself as ‘mommy’. The first time I can touch him…. that last one is a really hard one to think about, since I still don’t know when it will happen. But it will happen, at least I know that… and it will be magical.
I am tearing up just thinking about Monday… but for a change it isn’t out of fear and frustration. Now, those feelings are still there. But as God continues to give us peace and orchestrate the events of Monday, I am finding the overall thought of Monday is a waterfall of excited emotions. For the first time in weeks I feel I can finally (again) say… I CAN’T WAIT! It feels good to feel this way again, rather than just beat up and run down from all of the stress. Again, it’s not gone, but excitement has taken the upper hand once again.
Medical News …
Yesterday I went in for my echo at Good Sam, and today I went in for my appointment with the Good Sam cardiologist. What a relief to find out she only had good news for us!
- The head doctor for reading echos from Stanford was in the Good Sam cardiologist’s office today doing echos. My cardiologist showed her first my echo from December, then from yesterday. Her response? “Why are you wasting my time showing me normal echos?” Yep … there is NOTHING wrong with my echos!
- So, come Monday, I will simply be hooked to a normal heart monitor, will spend 24 hours on the cardiac floor (hopefully less!) and then will finish out my time in the hospital on the Maternity floor. I mentioned to my cardiologist that our OB had received tentative permission for baby and Oliver to stay with me, but only if we have a private room. She assured me she could twist a few arms and for SURE get us that private room! She listened to my heart again, review my history, and assured me I am a perfectly healthy pregnant woman.
- The cardiologist will stick her head in on Monday to see if they want her to stay, but if not, she’s going to spend the day in her office – since there is nothing wrong with me! *smile*
- The cardiologist specifically requested and obtained the anesthesiologist of her choice for my c-section on Monday. Now, doctors recommend each other all the time, so it’s hard to know if they are REALLY good or just scratching each other’s backs. But before I could ask anything, my cardiologist goes “and just so you know how good she really is – I had back surgery 1 month ago and I specifically requested her for myself! She’s the best!” Well, ok then!
We don’t know why … we don’t know why we had to go through all of this. Why nothing is wrong with me, yet everything had been changed as if there were something broken. We don’t know why baby went breech so late in the pregnancy, or why we’ve had to fight simply to allow me to hold my husband’s hand when our baby enters this world, or why I can’t hold my baby right away after waiting so many years for him. But as I’ve said, post after post … there is a REASON. And whatever it is, I trust Him who is in control of it all. Because His plans are ALWAYS better than ours. He planned the specific time for this baby to come into the world – and for some reason it involved a lot of waiting and tears. He’s also planned this birth – and again it has involved tears. But if I have learned anything, it is that God is GOOD and only has GOOD things for us. May our little warrior come into this world according to HIS will, and not ours.
<3 Tara and Oliver